Every once in awhile I’ll post on Facebook “I’m a weirdo” and it gets about 5 likes in comparison to the 150 likes I get for a check-in at the movie theater with my husband. A few weeks ago, someone sent me a message and asked me why I always identify myself as a weirdo. “You are successful, handsome and you really have your shit together. Why in the world would you want everyone to think you’re a weirdo and what does that even mean?” I thought it was an interesting question so I looked up the definition of weirdo and found this: a person whose dress or behavior seems strange or eccentric. Hmmm…I don’t know. I guess it all started with Janis Joplin.
I’m not going to lie, this has been a really grueling week for me. My new weight loss YouTube channel, My So Called Healthy Life, and videos are helping(please go watch them and like/subscribe please!) It’s one thing to go on a “diet” or make “lifestyle changes”, but when you realize you’re a full blown food addict and you’re going through mental cravings, anxiety and withdrawal symptoms you would go through with any other addiction, it’s really, really difficult. I’m not using this as an excuse. Trust me, at this point I wish I were just struggling with being overweight because that is bad enough, but add on top to it the overwhelming compulsive thoughts of food and eating, doubled with the stress of changing your eating habits, exercising and constantly being surrounded by a foody society…it’s just too much!
It’s weird putting yourself out there on the worldwide web. While I have friends who are deleting their Facebook accounts and swearing off social media, I keep writing more blogs, developing more YouTube channels and finding new social media sites. Truth be told, I love social media. When my friends talk about deleting their accounts because of what people post I’m a little surprised, but I think people take all of it too seriously anyway. Social media is supposed to be fun; a way to meet other people who have like interests. I don’t take too seriously those that post political shit that doesn’t align with my beliefs because I think we are all entitled to our own opinions. And you know what they say about opinions.
If you haven’t noticed lately, I’ve been focusing a lot of my attention in the last few weeks on my struggles with my weight and developing a plan to make serious lifestyle changes to lose weight and be healthier. During this time, I’ve been watching tons of transformation videos on YouTube detailing people’s weight loss and the gratification with their end result, but I didn’t find much in the way of progress videos and diaries explaining struggles and strategies along the way. Thus my new YouTube channel…My So Called Healthy Life!
I was in the grocery store earlier tonight when the couple behind me started talking about the front of a magazine. The husband pointed to the cover, a picture of a gay couple in tuxes, and said to his wife “What do you think about all of that gay marriage crap?” I immediately turned to look at the magazine and saw that the headline indicated something about gay marriage sweeping the country. The man looked over at me and I smiled, but no smile was returned. He and his wife suddenly went silent, probably assuming I was gay, and their conversation ceased. Immediately I felt uncomfortable, so I paid for my groceries and left the store. In retrospect, I kind of wish I would have turned to the man and said, “I’m gay and I’m married. Got a problem with that crap”, but I didn’t.
How’s your diet? That seems to be the question of the day since I posted last week about my weight struggles and my commitment to losing weight and getting healthy. I received so many encouraging emails, texts, Tweets and Facebook messages that I literally felt overwhelmed with support…and a little bit vulnerable. Honestly, I put everything about myself out into the world for everyone to see, but it’s a little bit different when you admit that you’re a bonafide fatass who has been 50-90 pounds overweight for the past few years. The truth is that I’ve isolated myself so much over the past year that I’ve just continued to gain weight and at some point I really stopped caring. So thank you for all of the kind messages! They totally made my day and now I don’t feel so all alone. Especially wonderful were the messages from people saying they totally related to my food issues, being a food addict and feeling stuck. But the question of the day seems to be how have I done with my diet so far?
As I was sitting in front of my computer tonight, waiting for Alex’s family to come over for dinner, I was thinking about how much my mom loved having people over on Sunday nights. She would invite a few people over and we would all sit around the dining room table and eat chili and raw apple muffins or chicken curry with homemade garlic bread. Later, after the other guests would leave, my mom and I would sit in front of the fire and drink coffee while talking about a range of topics from her desire to have Hilary Clinton as president to the best Woody Allen film to random memories of her being a Pi Phi. The night would drift on as we would play Bob Dylan and Neil Young records, smoke cigarettes and the stories would turn funnier until we would both be rolling in laughter. Finally, it would be time for me to go home. She always asked me to stay overnight, but I always refused, desiring to be in my own bed. Now Alex and I live in my mother’s home and I sleep here every night.