How Would You Feel If You Found Out Your Marriage Was Over Via Facebook?

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Several hours ago, I was scrolling through Facebook when I saw that one of my friends had posted “Governor Pence is a piece of shit.”  I didn’t even need to read the rest; I already knew what had happened.  Several weeks ago, a judge in southern Indiana struck down the ban on gay marriage in Indiana, calling it unconstitutional.  Within the next three days, several hundreds of gay and lesbian couples rushed to the courthouse and got married.  Immediately, the attorney general’s office issued an appeal.  Today, Governor Pence released an order regarding these same-sex marriages stating that the ban “is in full force and effect and executive branch agencies are to execute their functions as though the U.S. District Court Order of June 25 had not been issued.”  Meaning, my marriage, and several hundred others, are null and void.

Imagine driving through Starbucks to get your coffee while you’re running errands for the day and sitting in line behind a mini-van with cartoon pictures of a five member family,  and while reading your newsfeed on Facebook you find out you are no longer married.  Imagine the excitement of planning a wedding only to realize it will never happen.  Do you resend the invitations? Do you cancel the honeymoon? Imagine making dinner tonight and realizing that your “family” is a fraud, a joke to everyone around you, because the Governor of the state you lived in decided to send out a memo stating that your marriage was no longer valid.  What would you do?

Even worse, imagine reading it on Facebook.

Honestly, most of my friends are married, heterosexual couples.  I’ve never once questioned the authenticity of their marriage, but I’m starting to wonder if maybe I should.  I was raised by two parents who were liberal minded and didn’t believe in retaliation, rather suggested peaceful demonstration.  I’m not suggesting a revolution but something has to change.  At the beginning of the year when the House of Representatives was hearing the case of the ban on gay marriage, I posted an article called Dear Annie, This Is How Indiana’s Ban on Gay Marriage Will Affect Me. The article went viral and I received hundreds of letters of support.  The House removed the bill’s controversial language(obviously not because of my letter), making it one step forward towards same-sex marriage in Indiana.  On June 25th, when the judge struck down the ban as unconstitutional, I really thought we were moving forward.  What happened?

Governor Mike Pence happened.

He has stated that he believes in “traditional marriage”.  What exactly is a “traditional marriage” other than being between a man and a woman? I just don’t get it.  We’re about as traditional as you can get.  We work, pay taxes, eat dinner, play with our dogs, sleep, hang out with friends, work on communication issues and try to be good contributing people to our society.  What’s wrong with that? What do you want from us?

I’m extremely supportive of my gay friends who are married in other states, but the emotional turmoil, yes turmoil, I have gone through by not being married legally, getting married legally and then it just being taken away, is unbelievable.  I just don’t think most people understand what it feels like to not have any choice in the matter.

STD rates in Indiana are at an all time high.  Crime and violence are astronomical and are devoted police force are overwhelmed with work.  Several police officers have even lost their lives.  Our inner city school system is overpopulated and no one wants their children in the Indianapolis Public School system due to the lack of attention, the amount of violence and the underachievement of the students.  How is it that gay men and lesbians who want to be in monogamous, committed relationships are contributing to the lack of “traditional values” in Indiana.  If anything, we’re contributing to them.

Someday, we will get legally married.  Today is a very serious day in my history.  It has made me start to think about what I want from my life, who I want in it and where I want to be.  And the truth is, I don’t want to live in a state that can not and will  not support the human rights of all people, especially as a social worker who has dedicated my life to the betterment of a city and state who doesn’t even recognize my marriage.

As far as Governor Mike Pence, I believe his decision was political suicide.  Maybe not today or next year or even next term, but the issue of marriage rights in this country will be a deciding factor in the history of this 100 years and those opposed will not be remembered, they will be forgotten.

People are referring to him as a “bigot”, so I decided to look it up in the dictionary and see if it fits:

Bigot: :  a person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially :  one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance

You be the judge.  As for me, I’ve already made my decision.  I hope for the rest of you reading this, you don’t find yourself scrolling through Facebook while shopping for shoes, filing papers at work, cooking dinner for your family or sitting in line at Starbucks, like me, that you find out that your marriage means…nothing.

Much love,

Peter

Please share this everywhere and write your own post and share it so things start to change!

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Stay tuned for the release of my book The Before Now and After Then July 29th 2014! It would really mean a lot to me if you’d add it to your Goodreads to-read shelf and go there to find out more and visit my author page! Thanks!

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the before now and after then official cover_peter monn

96 comments

  1. I believe that every ones belief is right. So, I am in favor that everyone can do whatever he or she wants as long as they don’t hurt me. Im a pro at same sex marriage and equality( which for my country’s social opinion is HUGE & WRONG, I live in Albania & if u were part of the LGBT community… omg you better weren’t ) but anyway. I think one person who is in charge like the governor (has he being chosen by the locals?) don’t have that right to affect thousands of people’s life.
    I liked the rings the two boys in the picture have, thought they got them from my blog cuz I got an exclusively deal with Mariano Di Vaio’s jewelry company. Check them. On Monday another brand will be on the blog. Stay tuned. (Mariano is Italian & I think you know how handsome Italians are, right?) lol *peace

  2. Just wanted to say that I just read this, didn’t know about it, but find it insane and appalling. Sorry, we live amongst barbarians. We have modern tech that a few thousand people invented and it makes the other 99.9% of people feel like we are an advanced society. We aren’t. If you can, just remember that someday, hundreds of years from now, people will read about these struggles and laugh at people like Pence for their simple minds. 2014 is a year in the early part of human progress towards civility. If you can, realize this, shrug it off, and live your life.

  3. Peter, i´m married with my man since 10 years (together 24) and it was a long way to that point. We had to fight many fights in Germany – but finally we won. Hard to get married / non-married in only some days – but say *f+ck you* and smile – in a short while you WILL win your fight and get married. Best wishes from Germany, Thorsten

  4. your life choices are your own, i’m not commenting about that – but purely in terms of your argument, i find it amusing that you say the Governor “believes in “traditional marriage”. What exactly is a “traditional marriage” other than being between a man and a woman?”
    You’ve answered your own question!!! That IS what a traditional marriage is. And the 6,000 years or so that it’s been that way is exactly what makes it tradition. World-wide!
    With regards to your traditional life style – dinners, taxes etc. The law isn’t commenting on any of that.
    Just tradition as it relates specifically to marriage – not how many sunday roasts you have in line with the rest of the country.

    1. Actually this is not true up until 1000 years ago the catholic church men married men in the church. Woman were married outside the church because you could not exchange goods in the church and woman were considered goods and still are in many cultures. This is but one example.

  5. It hurts my heart when I read stuff like this. I have lived in Boston, MA my whole life, where we made history as the very first state to allow gay marriage. My mother is gay, and has been married to her wife for almost 8yrs. I don’t understand why people oppose gay people getting married. It’s not like gay people want rights, and want to take away straight people’s life. In fact, all gay people want is to have those SAME RIGHTS! My kids love BOTH of their grandmother’s, and don’t know any different. And to all the bigots, I have a question for you. – If God hates gay marriage, why isn’t it in the 10 Commandments?

  6. This makes me incredibly sad, for you and every other couple still fighting for marriage equality. It’s not fair to any of you that the people making the laws and enforcing them are so close-minded that they can’t see how oppressive they are.

  7. please explain to me what traditional marriage is, because not that long ago in human history children where married off as political and economic pawns. even less long ago a woman was a considered a man’s property. of all the issues in the world that require energy and attention, who you marry should be at the bottom of the list of importance. how people treat each other should be right at the top, married or not.

  8. What a shame to be living in a world today that has to go as far as taking back rights we deserve. Its shameful, disgusting and serves no purpose whatsoever. Why not actually spend the time and money and effort to control something really unconstitutional, like people abusing the system with well fare, EBT, our politicians who are just as corrupt, or the fact that we have homeless veterans. #merica. I pray for a future of peace, love and equality for all.

  9. Hey I live in Indiana! But how come your family is a fraud/joke just because a lack of a legal piece of paper? There are heterosexual couples who refuse to get legally married because they want to validate their union not the state. Your marriage could be legal and it still wouldn’t stop certain people from hating you or blaming homosexuals for ruining the good old American family. The validity of your family is based on how you perceive it not others or the state.

    1. I understand what Coeurduphenix is saying, and to an extent I agree. If you perceive your family as valid, then it is. However, that doesn’t change the roller coaster of emotions that Peter surely experienced, or the feeling of injustice.

      To Peter–I’m sorry you are experiencing this, but I thank you for sharing your story.

  10. Even though I am in a heterosexual marriage – I believe you guys deserve all happiness like any other married couple. I wish you all the best and I sincerely hope you guys win. We are all the same inside and should be treated equally no matter what ! Good Luck.

  11. Great piece.

    I can’t imagine my marriage being declared illegal on the whim of one individual. I’m sorry you’ve been targeted like this. It’s hard to imagine, in this day and age, that people are still shouting ‘tradition’ when it comes to denying same sex marriage, it seems like a cop out to me. Other than ‘tradition’ and organised religion frowning upon it, what’s their problem?

    I don’t do religion – or tradition come to that. One day I hope people are held accountable for the discrimination that the gay community are facing. Not that this helps you at this moment in time. Just know that you’ve got people in your corner.

  12. Human rights? It’s not your right to be married, it’s a privilege. I’m British, not American, but I’m quite sure it doesn’t state anywhere in your constitution that a man can marry a man, and a woman can marry a woman. So I think this shit, as you call him, Governor Mike Pence, has a point. It probably is unconstitutional, not to mention immoral and unnatural. Remind me again how you have babies, oh yes, now I remember; the gay men buy a baby from a woman under the guise of “surrogate mother” and the lesbian women use a male friends sperm and a turkey-baste. I reiterate, immoral and unnatural.

    You are also rather selfish. You mentioned in your article that in the state of Indiana violent crime is high and people are getting killed, what about their “human right” to live in a peaceful and non-violent society. You say the education system is at a poor standard, what about the kid’s “rights” to having a decent education? Human rights is about having the fundamental basics in life to be able to co-habit in a community free from threat and danger, having a home, and access to health care and education. It is not about whether or not gays and lesbians can be married. With the problems you say your state’s having, I should think that gay marriage is low-priority on Indiana’s agenda, and quite rightly so.

    It states in your article that you “work on communication issues and try to be good contributing people to our society”, so do just that. Stop being so selfish and start doing something positive to help your community, city and state, instead of crying about not being able to get married.

    You also seem to be confused over the term “traditional marriage”. For your information, it means a man marries a woman and during intercourse he inserts his penis into his wife’s vagina, not into another man’s anus!

    Personally, I liked it better when you people, yes that’s right, I said you people were still in the closet. We’ve got enough problems in our society without gays bleating on about their “human rights”.

    I hope I’ve resolved some of the societal issues you’ve been having. No need to thank me. Glad to help.

    Chris Just

  13. I guess I am old fashioned and Bible loving.I do not believe in Gay Marriages.Some of you do not believe in God’s Word or the Bible and I am really sorry for that.God clearly states that the Homosexual life style is wrong and calls it an abomination.I have to agree.When Judgement comes,and it is going to happen,everyone with be judged.If your name is not in The Book Of Life,you will be cast into The Lake of Eternal fire.Can you really say you don’t think it will happen.Hope this little chat will change some minds.

    1. I don’t mean to insult you or your religion, but I think human beings have the free will to choose what they want to. And they should be allowed to do it, if they’re not harming anybody else in the process. I mean, isn’t that what it is to be human? To have the right to choose for yourself what you want to do?

      Oh, and no offence, but religion and all it’s rules came into existence to stop people from doing things that harm the society. Basically, to force them not to break laws out of fear of some sort of higher power. I’m not saying God doesn’t exist. I’m saying faith and being a good person is more important than religion. And that’s just my opinion.

  14. I believe that marriage is between two people. If you love someone, share your life with them and want to be with someone then it doesn’t matter what gender you are.
    People fear what they don’t understand

  15. My heart is sore reading this… You just have to maintain the faith that, because you two have chosen and vowed to spend your lives together, that you ARE married. After all, in this day and age of rampant divorce, what IS marriage? Marriage is about choices: choosing, every day, to love the person you’re with. Choosing to be faithful to your partner even when human temptation is strong. Choosing to care for your partner even when you’re exhausted or annoyed, and would rather just care for yourself. Choosing what’s best for your relationship, and not just yourself. I feel lucky to live in a country (Canada), where I could get up and make vows to my husband, knowing that my many gay and lesbian friends may do the same. You have to know that it WILL happen – this kind of bigotry cannot possibly prevail. And we’re all rooting for you in the meantime!

  16. Reblogged this on Leaving Church, Finding God and commented:
    “Imagine driving through Starbucks to get your coffee while you’re running errands for the day and sitting in line behind a mini-van with cartoon pictures of a five member family, and while reading your newsfeed on Facebook you find out you are no longer married.”

  17. In my country, same-sex marriages are banned too. And same-sex relationships are frowned upon. People actually get disowned by their families for being homosexual. I think that humans are humans and love is love. There really isn’t anything to discuss. If I love someone, I should be allowed to be with them. No matter what their caste, creed, race, religion OR gender. People should be allowed to be who they are without fear, especially since this isn’t harming ANYBODY.

  18. Maybe Governor Pence was willing to commit political suicide in order to stand for what he thinks is right. I am inclined to believe that people who call others “bigots” because they hold views contradictory to their own should look in the mirror. It’s too bad that many gays and lesbians who claim to want tolerance are extremely intolerant of traditional views. Let’s not judge. The truth is that many traditionalists are afraid to speak their mind for fear of being branded as a bigot by the “tolerant” gay left.

  19. This was a wonderfully written blog. I am sorry that you live in a place that refuses to accept your marriage. I live in California and have fought the fight for our rights. This is a very real issue and I hope more people begin speaking up.

  20. This is beautifully written. I love in Northern Ireland, gay marriage is illegal here. We are the only part of the United Kingdom in which this is the case. It makes me ashamed that this small amazing country that I live in is so small minded. I’m not gay, I’m a lucky woman married to a wonderful man. I have friends and family who have left the home and country they love because they simply want to be able to marry those that make them happiest. It breaks my heart that they have had to leave to do so. I hope someday the world will change. Until then…you have our support. X

  21. Wow – what a post. It’s hard to believe that people can still face such unbelievable prejudice & lack of compassion in this day and age. I have 2 little boys and I find myself hoping that they won’t be gay – not because I care about their sexual orientation but because I know their lives will be so much harder if they are. What a messed up world we live in. My heart goes out to you.

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