It’s an interesting day outside today in Indiana. It feels like fall even though the tulips are in bloom and the trees are full and green. No further adjectives needed; Indiana in the springtime is green. As I was sitting on our front porch swing drinking some coffee I read through some of the messages I received after writing my last post, my 100th post. When you write something you never really have any idea of what kind of response you’ll get from readers, if any. Several years ago I wrote a post on my blog Thoughts From the Couch titled Vampire Flowers. It wasn’t really much of a thought out post, but just something I threw together late at night, much like most of my posts. I woke up the next day to tons of emails and messages from friends and people I didn’t even know commenting on how much they related to the post. I’d like to say that responses like that make writing for me easier, but in the past they’ve made me halt and think deeper about my posts. What I miss most about my early days of blogging was that I blogged often and didn’t really put much thought into my posts. They literally were my thoughts just translated into words on the screen. It felt awesome that for the first time in my life people related to my real self. I could be myself and that was OK. But now what? What do I want from my blogging and writing now?
I was looking at the Instagram account for BookCon today, an annual event where writers and readers get together, and I found myself getting a little bit envious. Some of my favorite authors, like David Levithan and John Corey Whaley, are speaking at this event. I’m not really sure why I got envious. No, that’s not true. I know exactly why; I want to be one of those authors speaking at BookCon. I don’t think this is an unrealistic dream, I just have to pay my dues and get my ass writing, instead of jotting down ideas and outlining countless books. Maybe one day I’ll be at BookCon too and I’ll look back on this post and realize that anything really is possible. It feels a little bit disingenuous to write about how grateful I am for my life one day and the next complain about what I don’t have, but that’s my truth for today. I feel driven and there’s a lot more I want from my life.
When I turned 40 people asked me if I felt weird about getting older. I’ve never really had issues with getting older but I do feel like time is going really fast. If there are things I want to do I better get on them so I can have the most amazing life possible.
So again, now what? Well, lots of things, but not lots of things too. I want to simplify my life in the next year and just focus on those things that make me happiest. I plan on blogging a lot, but most of my blogs will just be thoughts about stuff that floats through my mind, much like the old days. I plan on getting a few books done and only writing the kinds of books I want to write, not the kinds I think will sell. And I’m going to start my book blog. I’ve become pretty obsessed thinking about this recently.
Even as I write this I’m thinking to myself, “Why are you again saying all of the things you’re going to do instead of just doing them? Why are you even writing this post?”
What else can I do? You’re my family. You’re the people I know and the people I may never meet who send me little messages and comments that encourage me through life. This is my living diary and this is where I live. These are my thoughts and my fears, my worries and my dreams. This is just what I do. I can’t stop.
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